1. The drink thrower
You’re having a good time in the crowd either waiting for some music or dancing along when suddenly something cold, wet and sticky hits you full in the face and all you can do is pray it wasn’t bodily fluid.
2. The hanger on
You’re standing in a crowd and the person next to you starts getting a little too attached – the next thing you know when the music starts they’re dancing with you, asking if you want to sit on their shoulders and snapchatting pictures of you and them having a ball and sending them to their mum.
Then the music’s over, it’s time to move on but to your horror you realise they’re following you, they think they’re part of the gang – you’ve encountered a hanger on.
3. The person who looks deceased
At every festival you’re bound to encounter people sprawled out on the ground looking as if they might have died.
What to do in this situation? Prod them and if they move run away and if they don’t move? Still run away.
- The parents
It’s 10 in the morning and the hungers starting to creep up on you, unfortunately in your haste to arrive early at the festival you’ve forgotten to pack either a) any decent food or b) any cooking equipment/cutlery.
After enviously glancing at the much more stable and homely looking camp site next to you the campers – friendly parental types – offer to feed you.
‘Bill and Wendy’ make such good breakfasts it turns out, that you keep gravitating back to them.
- The escaped housewife
Some people live for festivals. They’ve gone to the same festival every year for the past 15 years and are determined to prove they can out drink all the youngsters.
Escaped housewives tend to shun portaloos in favour of being at one with nature, even if the queue is non existent, and encourage others to follow suit, no one does.
They’re also likely to try and lure you to their campsite with the promise of free alcohol in exchange for listening to them complain about their husband and agreeing to take them ‘clubbing’ one weekend.
- The crowd smoker
‘What’s that smell? Oh my god it’s me. I’m on fire.’
Some people just insist on both smoking and waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care at the same time while standing in a very tightly packed crowd.
RIP to all the hair extensions, kiminos, floppy hats and other festival favourites who have met their bitter end at the hands of a crowd smoker.
7. The pushy pants
You arrived early to bag the best spot possible in front of the stage, then you stood for hours to save it then some pushy pants bya**h comes along and tries to shove you out the way.
8. The tit for tat person
Someone offers you a can of beer/cider and you think ‘wow, what a nice thankless person’ but in their eyes no good deed goes unrecognised and it won’t be long until they turn up asking for a ‘free’ drink of their own, with interest.
9. The tit for tat person 2.0
Some nice acquaintance/stranger offers to put you on their shoulders, how thoughtful you think.
But then to your horror they (a much bigger person than yourself) expect the favour to be returned. The only feasible thing to do is run away.
10. The welcome over stayer
Sometimes you come out your tent and someone’s just sitting at your camp site.
No one knows them, no one invited them and no one knows how to get rid of them.
They’ll probably take up the best seat, eat your food, drink your drink and even lose every lighter the campsite has to offer.
It will later turn out they are actually your second cousin.
11. The professional camper
Some people just seem to live to out shine others.
While the rest of us sob over the instructions for our Tesco Value tents they erect their tents in all of five seconds and even remember to bring a wheelbarrow to carry their alcohol in.
They put mere mortal campers to shame.
12. The very drunk girl
Is likely to be on her own – her friends have long since bored of her annoying overly drunk ways.
She mainly communicates by pulling people over to dance with her, giggling maniacally and stroking people’s faces.
They’re likely to be wearing neon face paint and too tight hot pants with a strappy vest top tucked in, maybe a cowgirl hat for good measure?
13. The very drunk guy
Different from the drunk girl in several ways.
Mainly communicates by tapping you on the shoulder and then doing a little dance/first pump motion for you while a cigarette dangles from their lip.
They’re likely to be wearing a bucket hat, possibly with a floral print, and maybe a vest.
You’re bound to encounter some if not all of these people at a Scottish festival so just embrace it and happy camping!
